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Crying Wolf

Posted by A birch tree on April 13, 2008

[Disclaimer: This blog post is an unedited, unfiltered 100% Pure Finch Rant. I, your birch tree host, had no opportunity to clean it up or sanitize it, or even proofread it, before the finches overwhelmed me with their furious chirping and forced me to take immediate dictation, verbatum. Which is kind of odd, as I didn’t think finches even liked wolves all that much.]

I had planned to do an environmental article today, but I hadn’t intended to find one that enflamed me. I’m not on one of my “high energy binges”, so I figured I’d be lucky if I could coax myself out to bed long enough to post a link to a little global warming blurb.

Instead, I found this NY Times article. It talks about the current controversy surrounding wolves now that they’re off the endangered species list.

I really want to like humanity, but white dudes in the midwest seriously seem to be trying to scuttle that desire. And yeah, I’m calling out white dudes, because, by and large, white dudes are the ones who seem to have this little gnome that crawled up their asses some five-hundred-odd years ago that pulls the “kill things needlessly to establish my superiority over all creation” lever buried somewhere in the equipment room of their prefrontal cortex.

So the very, very, VERY first day Bush makes it legal to kill wolves, what does some dumbass white dude with a bloodlust do? He goes out and shoots the most famous wolf in the country, Wolf 253M. Why? Apparently, just to be a dick.

In fact, pretty much all of the wolf murder that’s currently occuring is because of white dudes who like to spill blood to make their penises bigger. It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with protecting livestock, since wolf predation is entirely negligable as a factor in livestock loss. Vultures killed twice as many cattle as wolves did in 2005, and domestic dogs killed five times as many.

The article talks about establishing trophy hunts, and keeping the population to a total of 450 wolves. I think I threw up a little in my mouth when I read that. Just the phrase “trophy hunt” makes me want to bash someone in the face with a tire iron. What kind of sick fucker gets pleasure and fun out of watching blood drain from a mortal wound onto the ground from a formerly living creature? If it whines a little, or if its tail is struck by a nervous system spasm that makes it appear to wag, do these assholes cream their camo coveralls? It ain’t like you’re gonna eat it; humans don’t really eat carnivores much. They just kill them, wholesale, take their pelts, heads, tails, or whatever else they want to use to decorate the “My Penis Is Fucking Enormous” room in their hunting lodge.

I suppose a case might be made for deer hunting, or elk hunting, if you’re too poor to afford meat at the supermarket and still need to feed your family. Of course, for the money you spend on hunting licenses, gun licenses, high-powered rifles, scopes, ammo, camoflauged gear, drycleaning the camoflauged gear after you spooge in it, bright orange vests, big trucks, alcohol, and various cheats like doe urine, perpetually-baited treestands, and anything else that virtually ensures Mr. Dudely can walk out of the forest dragging dead animal, it’s more expensive to hunt a deer than just go to Wal-Mart and buy a shitload of ground chuck. So nevermind. It is, in fact, all about having ultimate and total control over another life form, to hold its life in your hands like Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, and to then pull that trigger and end that life, to watch the blood spray on the snow and hear the startled sound of an animal surprised to find death, to watch that life drain from their eyes until only death looks up at you, and to stand, towering, over the remaining flesh of the creature whose spirit has so recently departed, and shout “PWND, BITCH!” [Finch, I’ve cut the rest of the paragraph as it was really nothing more than a long string of frothing, rabid, unecessary, and unproductive profanity. I didn’t even know birds could get rabies. Can we get back on track here? -birch tree]

Thanks to the Male Logic(tm) that ignores actual facts and says wolves kill everything in sight just because they are onery and have teeth (projection, much?), Wolf will be back on the Endangered List in six months or less, at this rate, assuming that the EPA can act on the rapidly-declining populations before they go completely extinct in North America.

Until then, a point of information to the asshats from the midwest: They’re not attacking you. They’re not attacking your livestock. Leave them the fuck alone!

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